AGORAPHOBIA

A lesson in etymology:agoraphobia is literally defined as the fear of open spaces. Clinical psychologists,however, have extended this term to mean the fear of coming out from one's comfort zone. (I've learned this expanded definition while viewing the Ellen Degeneres Show one day.)

I think I have agoraphobia---perhaps a mild form of it. You see, I have been quite afraid to venture out of my comfort zone lately. I am not just referring to my physical comfort zone but to my mental/psychological and emotional comfort zone as well. Truth to tell, we all have comfort zones. I sure do have mine. For somebody who has faced so much rejection (whether real or imaginary) almost his entire life, i have developed a built-in system where i feel most secure and to a certain extent invincible.

Psychologically, I feel invincible when I am talking about academic stuff. This extends to my being in the company of nerds, geeks, bookworms and people who gets their self-worth from being mental. I seldom want to be in the company of other types of people. The rare times I had been comfortable with non-mental types are when I know for sure that I am intellectually and academically superior to them and they know that I am that. This means the company of old friends, acquaintances, and former classmates who have longed acknowledged my superiority in that aspect (the mental aspect, that is).

Physically-speaking, I am comfortable inside the classroom, in my room and in our house. I am a homebody. I hate travelling, that's a no-brainer. I also hate going to various places or transferring from one place to another. There are people who can't stay on one place; I am the exact opposite. I am happy staying in one location unless I go to specifically hop from one place to another such as bar hopping, etc.

Emotionally, I seldom acknowledge my true emotions. Acknowledging my real emotions seems so painful to me. I fear the epiphany that comes with being true to my emotions. What I'm good at rationalizing. I've heard somewhere that rationalizing has something to do with one's ego. The bigger the ego, the more a person is prone to rationalize. It has something to do with grandiosity:the presumptuous feeling that something could not happen to me because I am above it; or that what happens to the other person could not happen to me because I am special or different or both.

I am glad that I am acknowledging this fear of coming out of my comfort zone. It is the beginning of wisdom. But I still don't know what to do about it, or how to go about it, or much more important, how to cure it.

Hmmm, drugs kaya. I mean, medication. I have read of a drug which cures the blues. This drug gives an effect of lifting the moods. But I doubt if it is available in the Philippines. I have read about it in an Australian magazine. Anyway, I'll research about. And I'll find substitutes if there are.

For now I am banking on prayer, meditation and a little bit of Yoga. Among these, I believe prayer is the best drug there is.Being addicted to God is not such a bad thing. Not bad at all.

Agoraphobic celebrities