The Things You MUST Know Before and After the Bar Exam

 

(from Comedians-at-law)

                    To all of our fans and friends that recently said goodbye to the nonstop party of law school we offer our condolences as you battle sweltering heat and endless hours of BARBRI lectures for the next several weeks.  But look on the bright side: you will be done with the exam at the end of July and then you get to go off to work, possibly conduct more job searches and if you are fortunate enough to be employed this fall, it will only be three nerve wracking months til you know if you passed.  We at Comedians At Law would like to offer you some tips on how to cope with this grueling 6 month process from studying all the way to finding out your results.

PART 1: STUDYING TIPS

• Pay Attention.  Back in our day (which was only 7-8 years ago for some of us) there was no Facebook and no Twitter and no sexting.  We recommend that you shut down the first two til the end of July and only do the third if you are very attractive, even after the bar is done.
• Find a Comfortable Place to Study.  When this writer was studying for the bar it took going to three different public libraries in NYC until finding one that did not have a homeless man washing his genitals in the bathroom sink. But discovering that perfect library made all the difference.
• Take this time to be extra rude to your family and friends.  This will be one of the few times you can be irritable and rude and it will be forgiven, so ham it up.  This one was mainly for the gentlemen. Ladies, continue to do so every four weeks. HEY-O!
• Still get a good tan (if you tan) going for the Summer.  It may seem like a waste of time, but if you fail and find out in November you still want to look decent when you have to study all over again.

PART 2: EXAM TAKING

• When in doubt make stuff up.  Seriously, rather than leave an essay blank just start acting like Brick from Anchorman if he had gone to law school.  Just throw out how many legal terms you love in a paragraph.  You may get a point or two and that may make all the difference.
• Wear adult diapers.  Only losers take bathroom breaks.  Or are you vomiting like Eminem in the beginning of 8 Mile?  Either way it is never too soon to separate yourself from the lawyers who will become middle management or stand up comedians.
• Get drunk after day 1 of the Exam.  Nothing psyches your fellow exam takers out like seeing you let loose halfway through.  It is the legal equivalent of calling your Babe Ruth shot.

PART 3: POST EXAM

• Apologize to people for following Part 1 of this strategy.
• Tell everyone that you thought everything was easy.
• Get to the gym ASAP fatty.
• Continue job searching if applicable.

PART 4: WHEN THE RESULTS COME OUT

• Check them by yourself.  Important for step 2
• Tell everyone you passed, even if you did not and ESPECIALLY if you do not have a job lined up.
• If you did pass – congratulations. Make someone buy you drinks at the end of the day.
• If you did not pass – still say you passed and then disappear for about 4-6 months as you do it all over again.

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