Predestination

ROBERT Louis Stevenson studied law and ended up as an acclaimed writer. David Duchovny has both a bachelor's and a master's degree in literature from prestigious American universities, and now he is a famous television star. Madonna is said to have aspired to be a nun, but became instead one of the most enduring (and do I hear raunchiest?) singing idols of our generation.

These people have achieved something entirely different from the career paths they initially chose for themselves or aspired for. Was it their destiny? Were they really destined to be what they have become without taking an active part in making their careers?

I really am no big fan of this grand cosmic theory called "destiny." I am a firm believer in self-determinism. I abhor the idea that I have no control over my life and my future and that a force or power is controlling me without my knowing it. I just hate it when people say: "Well, I think it's destiny" or "It was not really meant for me. I think this is it for me." I don't think "destiny" should be used as a justification for capitulation. But the way things are going in my life, I may have to reconsider.

I have always been fascinated with people, events, places and, of course, the written word. I think of writers as people who not only have an interesting job but also enjoy a lot of perks as they go about their work. They get to travel or see places that they are going to write about. They get invited to fantastic events which they feature in their articles or columns. They get to meet interesting people, whether famous or infamous, and write or gossip about them. They get to express their thoughts. In short, writers get to do a lot of other exciting things in the guise of doing their jobs or earning a living.

So I had programmed my mind to become a writer or journalist and to make writing my life work from way back when I was that small.

But the universe did not conspire with me to have my wish fulfilled. I can't explain what happened, but I wrote something else on my college application form. I was admitted to the UP School of Economics on a scholarship.

Taking up a quota course in the state university on a full scholarship may be propitious for some, but it was not like that for me. I wanted to change my course when I was in second year. I threw up (I'm exaggerating, of course, but just a little) every time I encountered graphs and mathematical formulas or heard the phrase "supply and demand." Sadly, however, one of the conditions in my scholarship contract said that I could not shift to another course except for "meritorious reasons." I had no clue what constituted "meritorious reasons," but it was clear to me that if I shifted to another course, I would forfeit all the benefits I was then enjoying. (The stipend was not much, but for a probinsyano with limited moolah, it was quite substantial.)

I was disappointed, nay, devastated. Relying mostly on that scholarship to get me through college, I grudgingly continued and finished my course.

I was determined to correct that major slip-up. But then again the universe would not conspire with me. Another twist in my life led me to law school.

My decision to take up law was due to insistent demand---from my parents. My decision to stay in law school is, aside from parental expectations, is now due to my desire to have a title as well as economic considerations. (Lest you forget, we live in a title-obsessed country and job opportunities still favor traditional occupations.)

Yet, the little voice within my heart refuses to shut up. During my first term as law school senior, I desperately wanted to satisfy my longing to write. So I looked for a writing job. Luckily, I was accepted as a writer for the youth section of one of the country's major dailies.

But again, the universe would not conspire with me. My grades were anything but excellent. They screamed: "Shape up or get kicked out." I had to choose between the writing job and my studies. I couldn't drop out when I was so close to earning my degree. More than that, given the accumulated sum they already spent on my education, it would drive my parents berserk if I told them I was throwing in the towel to chase a long-suppressed dream. On my part, the difficulties I had gone through were too great to be wasted. So I resigned from my writing job which, for me, was tantamount to giving up my dream of ever becoming a writer.

I am probably not destined to become a writer. I am probably destined for something else. Hard as I try to chase my original goal in life, everything just does not seem to lead me to it.

So what's know happening in my life and what is now leading me to my destiny?

In the great debate between destiny and self-determinism that is raging in my head, the former is starting to gain the upper hand. I think I'll soon be forced to admit that I am not the captain of my ship and the master of my soul.

But again since this is seeing print, I think I'll have to reconsider. 

[This was my very first essay using my real name, i.e., not a pseudonym, to be published in a national daily, The Philippine Daily Inquirer, sometime in October 2005.] 

Orinoco flow lyrics---Enya